Ok, time for yet more rules!

I seem to need lots of new rules lately. Here is another one:

If you DO NOT know what you are doing, please DO NOT try to do it!

As some of you know I occasionally have the pleasure of fixing computers for friends/family/random people who have got my number from the first two categories. I don’t mind, I make some money out of it, everybody is happy in the end. I can’t fix many things but I can deal with the basics. But the process sometimes involves so much unnecessary head banging it makes me want to strangle the week’s idiot. If your computer is doing something weird and you don’t know how to fix it then don’t try. There’s no need to do that thing you’re trying to do. If you have a virus then what the heck are you doing in BIOS? Yeah, those are my favorite kind of people. I swear, people being stupid and thinking they know what they’re doing cause three quarters of the things I have to fix. Oh, and also:

I KNOW what I am doing. You DON’T! DON’T try and give me advice.

You called me for a reason, remember? That reason is that you have no clue what’s happening. Yes, I know you’re a genius. Trust me, you’ve made it very clear that you are really good and smart and awesome. But I’m the one with the hands deep inside your computer or typing away here, so please let me do what I have to do. If you’re so smart and feel the need to tell me how to do the job you’re paying me to do then why the fuck didn’t you do it instead of getting me away from my comfy chair? Your advice will only make thing worse. Nope, I really don’t need to change the BIOS settings to get rid of your virus. Yeah, that weird thing your computer is doing is because of a virus. Which brings us to rule number 3 for the day:

If I ask a question, DO NOT lie to me!

I promise I won’t call the cops on you. I can sign a paper stating so if you want. I’m not a professional and even if I were I still wouldn’t care. You can do whatever you wish. But don’t tell me you got a virus by browsing Yahoo and Google, ‘cause I won’t buy it. Yeah, I’m not an idiot. At least give me the benefit of the doubt and tell me a guy sent you an attachment and you were an idiot and opened it. But no one will believe you got a virus from Yahoo. It’s like telling your doctor you have no idea how you got an STD because you don’t have sex and you don’t even touch other people. Being the computer chick is just like being a doctor. People try to treat themselves, lie to you and then try to give you advice. And before I go away, here are a few of the conversations that inspired this post.

“My computer was doing this really weird thing.”
“Uh-huh…What weird thing?”
“Well, there was this message and it was making a weird sound and just acting crazy.”
“Uh-huh…that sounds like a virus.”
“Yeah, that’s what I figured so I went into BIOS and…”
“Wait! You did what???”
“I started the computer and entered BIOS.” Muttering about how I have no clue what I’m doing and do I even know what BIOS is.
“Why did you do that?”
“Well, that’s how you fix things. Are you sure you can fix it? You don’t really look like an expert.” I wonder how I was supposed to look. Must I have zits, glasses, weigh a ton and be a WoW addict?
“Yeah, I’m sure. Can I ask why you didn’t use an antivirus?”
“Oh…well, it’s easier in BIOS.”
Please note my self-restraint and the fact that I didn’t start yelling “How in God’s name can you debug a computer in BIOS? Call Bill Gates, you are a genius!”
“Nope, actually you can’t do this in BIOS.” I swear, some people think that BIOS is the answer to every problem. It’s magic! “You should have used an anti-virus. You can buy one but there are a few free ones, blah-blah.”

Can someone make computers idiot proof? Next on our list and the reason for rule 3.

“I think I have a virus.”
“Does seem so.” Running the anti-virus and swinging happily in the chair. I was having a good day, he hadn’t tried to fix it himself.
“I don’t know how I got it, I never go on those websites.”
“And what are those websites supposed to be?” Hey, I never said I’m not taking pleasure in this. “You know…those with naked women. I stay on Yahoo.”
“Only Yahoo?”
“Sometimes Google, but I never go on those websites!” Please note that I never asked how he got the virus, at any point in the conversation. I know viruses, adware and spyware happen. It’s the way of the Internet.
“Uh-huh…did you open any attachments lately?”
“What are those?” I’ll take that as a no.
Blah-blah further on.

Another one, this time on the wonders I’m supposed to do. I must be a magician! I got a call to go and install a new DVD-ROM. I get there, unplug everything.
“Can you get me a screwdriver?”
“What for?” Well, I could have said I need it for my special ritual. All hail the Goddess Screwdriver!
“Uh…to open the computer.”
“Oh…do you have to do that?”
“To install your DVD-ROM? Yeah…I kinda have to.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“But can’t you just…I don’t know, tape it or something?”

Goddess Screwdriver, smite thy idiot! Yet another one:

“It’s not working, it’s not working!”
“What were you doing before it stopped working?” She hadn’t even let me turn on the computer at this point so here come the completely unnecessary questions.
“Nothing.” Remember rule number 3?
“Ok. When did you notice it stopped working?”
“Today when I got home from work.”
“And last time you opened it it was working fine?”
“Yeah.”
“And does anybody else have access to this computer?”
“No.”
“Ok. Let me see what I can do.”
“But can you fix it?”
“I can try.”
“You don’t really look like you’re good at this.” Again…how am I supposed to look?
“Well, if I can’t fix it then I can call someone else who will, ok?”
“Oooookaaaaay.”
I open the computer and see that Windows wasn’t starting because it was trying to boot from the CD-ROM and not from the hard-drive. In the meantime the happy midget was yammering on and on in my ear how “can you see? Can you see? It’s not working!” Open BIOS and try and venture a wild guess as to who had set the primary boot device to the CD-ROM and forgot to add the hard-drive anywhere. And you wonder why it didn’t boot from a Sims CD… I change the settings and wonder of all wonders it starts!
“How did you do that?”
“I changed a setting. Why did you start BIOS? And why didn’t you tell me?”
“Well, the last guy did it and I thought I could make it work better.” Goddess, smite this one as well, will you?
“Yeah…ok. That will be double-the-amount-of-money-I-was-going-to-ask-for-originally.” What can I say? Stupidity is costly. Maybe next time she’ll remember not to poke around places she shouldn’t.

Do I have to tell you about the time someone asked me to install Windows XP on a computer that could barely function with ’98 because “she only knows how to work with XP!!!”

Yeah. People are stupid. Don't try to fix your own computer if you have no clue what you're doing.