I must be a masochist (otherwise known as a very long movie review)

Well, I must be one! Either that or an idiot. There is absolutely no other way to describe a person who tortures herself with the same awful movie twice. Ya’ see…the story goes like this. This summer, I feel for an advertising strategy. I was out at the local DVD rental place and I had gotten 3 movies so the 4th one was free(ah…good times. Too bad I already rented everything I wanted and a lot of things I didn’t want to see) so I looked around and the DVD cover looked so good(truth in advertising…ha!) comparing it to “Rosemary’s baby” and Hitchcock’s movies. Well, now I’ve seen a lot of crappy movie(and I mean a lot… “Commando vs. Cobra” is a title that comes to mind) but this deserves a category of it’s own(and I’ll stick “Commando…” in there with it as well while we’re on it). Last night it was on TV, and I, being the masochistic idiot that I am decided that it would be a good idea to give this movie another chance- maybe I was in a bad mood, maybe I was drunk or there was a gas leak impairing my judgment the first time- so I forced myself to watch this movie from beginning to end and then decided to write a review(I should get a review column in a magazine- certainly I’d do better then the people who praised this movie!). Ladies and gentleman here comes the review for … “Inheritance”!

I think this particular piece of crap-oh, art! I meant art, that’s the word, art-is indie(otherwise known as “I’m-so-posh-I-must-watch-this-because-then-people-will-think-I’m-cool-‘cause-I-watch-artsy-movies-even-though-I-don’t-understand-anything”-can you tell I’m not an indie fan? Although I must admit there are many great indie movies- I think I’m more of an indie-fan hater) but the camera and images in general in this movie are…oh, how to describe them? worse then what a bunch of students could do. Yeah, that’s a good way(and so curse-words free). I’ve seen better camera work on daytime soaps. I wish I was kidding.

The acting is…dreadful(except for the old lady…she’s not that bad). The main actress is the chick that did the voices in the “Halo” games. She should have stuck to that. No one needs to see her face. I know that it’s a question of tastes…but Jeebus! And when you think it just can’t get any worse the stick a goddamn awful brunette wig on her head. At least I hope and pray it was a wig because it would be too cruel making her cut her hair and then walk around with the brunette thing on her head. If someone could explain the hair to me I’d be forever grateful. What was the person who decided on it smoking at the time? He or she must be blind!

The dialogue…trust me, I could have written something better then that(in fact I probably have and I’m not too fond of my writing). Hell, my dog could have written something better. My boot could have written…ok, I think you get the point.

What have I missed? The music was not that bad(too bad there was so little) but I admit that my judgment might be impaired- I think that halfway through the movie(both times) I was praying to be put out of my misery. Oh, and the house was nice.

And now we get to the plot. Oh, yes, the plot. Actually, I think the story in itself is not that bad. An old lady dies and decided to take over the body of the chick that had been her nurse? Secretary? Maid? Something…It has potential. It could have been a wonderful “Am I going insane or am I possessed?” story. But it’s not.

Hm…should I announce that there are spoilers ahead? Yeah, ok, then: Spoilers ahead!
After the old lady dies(although there’s a nice- nice being a very good word to describe any part of that movie but you get my point- scene before that when she’s having tea with the chick and the spirits of her dead mother and sister) the chick starts waking up in the lady’s house when she had gone to bed in her own and shit like that. The chick discovers that the lady has left her the house but her boyfriend is getting worried that she’s gone mental. The spirit haunting her makes her do strange things(among other sleep with a doctor which leads to the break up between chick and boyfriend because he sees her after being called by the old lady in the chick’s body- I know it’s confusing but I can’t explain it any better).

Then there is the little ghost girl in the graveyard that has the most annoying voice ever! I wanted to bash her head against the grave! I sincerely wish she outgrows that voice or she’ll be in a shitload of trouble.

And, oh my, should I even mention the first great culminant moment of this movie(are there more in a movie?)?(I reenacted this for some friends this summer, while we were out having coffee-man, I wish I had taped it- maybe I could have sent it to the director as an audition for his next movie). How does the chick decide to get rid of the ghost that keeps getting in her? She goes to the house, breaks a cup to agitate the ghost and then the ghost comes and the fight goes as follows:
Abbey(the chick) by the china cabinet: “Go away!!!”
Abbey in the chair with a cigarette in her hand, representing the old lady(referred to from now on as the OL): “No!!!”
A: “Go away!”
OL: “No! Thanks to me now you have a great house and you’re screwing a hot doctor!”
A: “I didn't want it! You have to go away!”
OL: “No!”
A: “If you don’t go away I’ll burn the house down and you can come live with me in my crappy apartment.”
OL: “Wow, I didn’t think you had it in you. You win.”
Poof! Old lady gone.

I mean it. That’s the way she gets rid of the ghost from inside her. Not even a small exorcism. Nope. She shifts from the chair up and then back, picking and dropping the cigarette and she somehow changes and yet remembers and hears what the other person says. And then she almost bangs her ex-boyfriend. And then the old lady starts following her all around Seattle, but in her old form(because, after that fantastic scene she absolutely can't get inside the chick again...why?). And in the grand finale, the mad chick goes back to the house and yells at the old lady’s ghost but the old lady gangs up on her with the ghosts of her mom and sis and the MC(mad chick, duh!) discovers after she slips like a moron on a shard of glass on the floor that if she cuts herself it hurts the old lady too so she cuts her face a little and now it’s POOF! for good. Or is it? The next morning the ex boyfriend calls and asks Abbey if she’s ok and the OL now possessing the body informs him that there’s no one named Abbey living there. The end(and by this point I was begging for it to come sooner before I ran screaming in pain, looking for a knife to take my eyes out).

Yes, an exquisite piece of cinematography. Give me a break. The story could be salvageable. Remake it, but take the actors and the director out and do a major(and I mean major!) rewrite and it could make a decent movie. Except there are already a few like it, but I bet an arm that none are this bad. You can keep the old lady, if you want.

I think the only people who would enjoy this are teenage male “Halo” fans who have the hots for Cortana(Jen Taylor’s character-mad chick) because Jen appears naked. Although I’m sure it would be easier to look for naked pictures of Cortana online. Since this summer I have spent every waking moment(that might be a exaggeration but you get my point) discouraging everybody I know from seeing this movie(well…almost everybody. Let’s just say that I hope the cashier at that DVD rental place who ticked me off when I rented this movie- I get it! I’m difficult! Now I have not asked for your recommendations or help so I don’t need your stupid suggestions-starting from “House of wax” the remake and going to porn movies because she was bored and thought I spent too much time there-- liked it). But if you’re not Scarecrow and your favourite song isn’t “If I only had a brain” then by all means, skip it!!!

Now if I only had an explanation as to why I saw it twice…

(Disclaimer: This is my opinion and if someone's offended by it- tough! If you have seen and liked this movie you have the right to contradict me and praise it and I have the right to call you an idiot)