How to decorate the yard and Christmas tree when you live in my world

1.Go out a week before you actually plan on decorating everything and get the tree.
1a. Circle the market and look at every tree until you get tired and grumpy.
1b. Fight like cats and dogs over what tree to get.
1c. Pick a tree, look at the disgusted face the person your with makes (in my case my mother).
1d. Fight some more.
1e. Repeat this dialogue at least 5 times "If you don't like it,we can get another one" "No, this one's fine *sad sigh*"
1f. Go back and get the damned tree.
1g. Pay the man and then carry the tree home all by yourself.
1h. Throw the tree in the garden somewhere where the dog can’t get to it (or piss on it for that matter).
1i. Forget promptly about the tree.

2. A week later go and find every stupid light that’s supposed to go outside.
2a. Get a chair.
2b. Get a stable chair.
2c. Climb on said chair and arrange the lights on a metal rod while the insane dog jumps all over you, trying to get you down to play with him.
2d. Get some metal wire and try to attach the string of lights to the rod.
2e. Scratch and bruise your hands until you remember that it would be a good idea to wear gloves.
2f. Curse under your breath, while the dog is still trying to kill you.
2g. Climb on the chair and then on the table to attach the other string.
2h. Tape it to the other metal rod thingy with duck tape.
2i. Chase the dog all around the yard with a broom until you finally catch him and put him on a chain.
2j. Look at the dog’s big doe-like eyes.
2k. Decide you’re a very mean person for doing that to the poor pooch and then go untie him.
2l. Curse again when the dog tries to jump all over you and bite your hand.
2m. Leave the dog tied up.
2n. Try to explain to your mother that the plug for the lights should be hidden, in case it rains.
2o. Bang your head against a wall repeatedly(or at least imagine you do) when she explains that she’ll put a plastic bag over it.
2p. Prepare for imminent short-circuit and/or fire.

3. Preparing the tree.
3a. Get the tree out of the garden without bothering to open the gate.
3b. Curse when your hair gets tangled in the wire.
3c. Finally get the tree out.
3d. Get the tree stand and try to put the tree in it.
3e. Give up and get the hatchet.
3f. Chop down the bottom of the tree until you think it fits.
3g. Put the tree in the stand again, shake it a little to see if it stands.
3h. Get the tree of the ground, chop some more.
3i. Finally get the tree in the stand.
3j. Grab the tree and then bang it against the ground and/or a wall until it’s not moving from the stand.
3k. Chop down the top of the 10.000 feet tree you got to fit inside the house. During this process, realize that your future career as an axe murderer is probably not the best idea since you almost cut your hands as well.
3l. Move the tree inside.
3m. Scratch the ceiling when you try to get it standing.
3n. Try and get the tree down just enough so you ca cut off some more from the top.
3o. Hold the tree while the other person does the chopping.
3p. Say “Of course I’m careful not to scratch the wall.” then look at the wall and see a big white scratch in the light brown paint.
3q. Put the tree down quickly and hope no one notices.
3r. Turn the tree around a few times and wonder why it looks so weird.
3s. Remember to cut the rope that tied the branches together. Do so, and then pull the branches down, trying to make it look pretty.
3t. Move the tree around again until you’re satisfied.
3u. Take a step back and look at the tree.
3v. Arrange a little more.
3w. Finally smile happily.
3x. Bang your head against the wall when your mother comes in and says “Wow, you were right, it’s such a beautiful tree.”(points 1c,1d and 1e)

4. Get a fiend, get extremly drunk and then decorate the thing while laughing like maniacs and fighting with the plastic ornaments.